From crappy to happy

Aint day like my last Wednesday. Honestly if you are lucky enough to survive a bad day then your  life will taste good again. It is good to feel crap coz only then you can feel good and happy again.

Today is a normal day. The day have just started. It looks like any other mornings. Nothing special. Things go normally as usual. I do my pilates routine, my 5 tibetans, my stretching, my abs challenge and my arms challenge....it takes me approximately 1,5 hrs.

Then I go to the post office coz my long awaited UGG boots have arrived. When I get there I realise  that I forgot my ID so they can't give me my parcel. So I go back home to pick up my ID and go back to pick up the parcel. At home, when I open it, I find out that the the boots are way too small. So unless I  will make another effort to sell it further I have just lost 60 Eur. Then my day continues. I go to the docs appointment where you have to wait the queue in order to see the specialist.  There is no waiting list. My time is limited because I have to go to the theatre meeting so I wait impatiently for approximately 1,5 hrs and the nurse assure me that I will make it on time. The clock is ticking and I must leave the docs waiting room without seeing him to get on time to the theatre. Yes, I left the doctor and I am on my way to the other side of Prague to meet with artists. I am little bit late, my battery on my iPhone has only 9% so I call the principal that I am running late and he tells me that the meeting is in 2,5hrs so I have plenty of time to get there. Then, that is the moment of total collapse when I realize that I left the docs appointment at which I could have waited.  I realise that because of a mistake (I confused 17hrs for 19rhs) I missed the docs appointment and I wasted another time going somewhere long before I should have. Yes, I felt totally useless.
It was my day full of bad decisions and bad consequences that led me to take wrong turns. I feel good  and focused now...aftere living this experience which cost me lots of time. One day is plenty of time to be wasted. Imagine if you only have one day to live? You don't want to waste it.

Rolling into Deep

Feels like a foreign city so hostile and without life when one does not have its heart beating in the rhytm of love. Any city would look like this but the emptiness falls on me like the darkness of a coming night. I see the beauty around me everyday which brings me a great deal of joy but it is some kind of superficial beauty. It is for an eye and to keep a heart beating but there is nothing deeper underneath.

Three years of struggle. Three years without being loved or adored. Three years of solitude. Loneliness spreads inside of me like a virus that takes over a body.
This sadness comes from within me and it will not go away. Not until I find HIM. I tried to tell myself that I can do it alone. But I was wrong.
I tried to substitute HIM with many different things. With alcohol and parties, art courses, voluntary activity, sport etc but it worked only temporary.
Now i see it clearly but somehow I do not panic. I am suddenly very calm and receptive to what will come because I feel that it is so close. I have a hope.

 Three Wise WO/Men in the Black & White World

Three wise men told me their thoughts and points of view on my life. All of them are well educated and all of them play an important role in my life. And all of three of them are black guys. One is from Kenya, other is from Haiti and the last one is from Zambia. They all have University Degrees and all of them also know how to treat women and people in general. Why I am saying this is that I do not surround myself, unlike many foolish girls, with pretty fit black guys to have fun with. Those guys are my real inspiration. They work in the biggest consulting companies in US, for a stock market or as a luxury realtor.

I really struggled past few months. I really felt like I should be somewhere else even though I am within myself deeper than I was ever before. I feel lost, a mess and a total waste to this world and I still really don't know how to change it.

In past few weeks I turned to those three wise men for a consult, an advice, help, support, lead...

And they really tried their best to share their wisdom with me. It was a white winter time while talking to my black guys. Here it was -35 degrees Celsius and after two years we had, at least for a couple of days, enough snow to enjoy the white beauty around.

I stopped that moment and realised that world is not black and white despite the irony given to me by the consequences of the nature.

I see the world as colourful as never before. 

I am doing tiny steps to move forward toward my dreams, my goal and my vision. There is still very long journey ahead of me but if I lose the fear i will make it. I have more than three wise man around me. I am blessed to have known many wonderful souls around the world with whom I share my worries and achievements. Spring is coming and there is nothing black and white about the spring.

The most powerful Christmas`s New Moon

I really miss writing my blog but I couldn't get myself into writing for exactly 2 months.

Time flew by like a comet on the night sky and my life turned around in all possible meanings. I went through a life changing experience. A messenger came to my life and spun everything.

In this complicated hard time I have realised how much I didn't know myself and what I am capable of. I was suddenly full of energy and felt like I can do anything in the world. Nothing was going to stop me. Well, unfortunately it all stopped so fast as it has started. I had to rest. I was sleeping 10 hours per day. I was exhausted, disappointed and was lacking of love, courage and strength.

I grieved and I cried. I realised how much I lied to myself about what I really want. Then I calmed down, started to breathe and live again.

Today is one of the most powerful New Moon in the whole year and so I did the magic ritual about things I wish to erase from my life as well as things I wish to welcome to my life. I believe this energy will turn into beautiful meanings and acts.

I keep searching within my soul and heart what I really wish for. I know I grew so much in past few months because a messenger shown me a path and hope.

I truly believe that I can overcome my fears and start doing things I love the most because they require a courage and honesty within me.

I feel complete gratitude towards this messenger who spent so little time with me but pass so much on me. I am ready now.

Love what you Do. Do what you Love. 

Sounds like a cliche? Sounds impossible? Sounds right?

Which option is You? What do you strive in life? What do you do in order to do what you love?

I have been asking myself those questions for many many years because I was unhappy, thinking I do not belong anywhere. I was always what people call  "a black sheep". 

When I was still a kid things were fine. I even remember going to a primary school and quite enjoying myself because I have had great friends. It all started at the high school when me with other girls were  bullied by a boy group. Then all my allergies started, I was permanently ill and my life purpose was to get drunk so I end up unconscious every time I could. At the uni, I had some friends but we were never real friends. We were just a survival company during those 3 long years. At home I also had a situation because my mom`s husband wouldn't talk to me without a reason for long 3 years. I was feeling I do not belong anywhere.

My salvation was my departure to the UK. There I quickly became aware of who I really am and what capacity I really have. I started to work on my English. I built real friendships and got rid of all my illnesses. This process of knowing myself is lasting till now ( 16 years later) but at least now I recognise what is right for me and which people I want in my life. I also started to like myself. For me living abroad was a priceless experience which formed my way of thinking "out of the box".

I finally found out what my real passions are and now I am making them part of my work.

I wish everyone a very fruitful life journey with as many experience as possible before you truly know yourself and truly know what you want in life. 

Society & Me

Once again I have been told this week that I truly am a weirdo. It wasn't for the first time nor the last time I guess. I get this a lot. I live in the common european society however I certainly appear not to be the part of it. At my age of 36, I am single, without kids but also without debts. I also don't owe anything except few boxes of clothes and stuff. Well I do not count my dog Charlie which I got 10 months ago and she is my first actual commitment. I also live with my best friend - a single mother with enormous debts and 3 small boys.

And I love it. I never felt alone or sad. I always have a best friend to talk to. I have always someone to open a bottle of wine with and share all my ups and downs.

I feel rich because I am surrounded by family unless like some single bachelors who dare to judge me because to them living alone in the small apartment and have a car means "having a life".

I certainly do not share this point of view because for me life means for example pack my bags and tomorrow be on the other side of the world. I like it this way. I like this absolute freedom. I do not want to belong to the matrix as majority of people around me. 

I am glad I never felt into hands of greedy banks, insurance companies etc. Instead of that I have

FREEDOM

Symphony of a Friendship 

Today I celebrate the 1st anniversary of living with my best friend.
It has been one of the most challenging year of my life in many ways. I realised that if you are lucky enough and will find a perfect partner for you then you evolve faster than if you are stuck with some "kinda OK" partner or a friend. That is why the best friends and great partners are worthy to cherish and to fight for, regardless of today`s affair. They have been there yesterday and will be there tomorrow to help you calm down your demons. They make you a better person and they really see you. Im so lucky to have experience this in every country I lived in. Some grounds like Spain are more friendly thus finding a great friend doesn't require special effort. On the other hand, finding a soulmate here in the Czech republic where environment is almost hostile was truly difficult task and it took lots of time. But now I am calm and growing everyday thanks to my angel Monika. This is my big thank to her for finding me and not letting me go.

I love you.