From crappy to happy

Aint day like my last Wednesday. Honestly if you are lucky enough to survive a bad day then your  life will taste good again. It is good to feel crap coz only then you can feel good and happy again.

Today is a normal day. The day have just started. It looks like any other mornings. Nothing special. Things go normally as usual. I do my pilates routine, my 5 tibetans, my stretching, my abs challenge and my arms challenge....it takes me approximately 1,5 hrs.

Then I go to the post office coz my long awaited UGG boots have arrived. When I get there I realise  that I forgot my ID so they can't give me my parcel. So I go back home to pick up my ID and go back to pick up the parcel. At home, when I open it, I find out that the the boots are way too small. So unless I  will make another effort to sell it further I have just lost 60 Eur. Then my day continues. I go to the docs appointment where you have to wait the queue in order to see the specialist.  There is no waiting list. My time is limited because I have to go to the theatre meeting so I wait impatiently for approximately 1,5 hrs and the nurse assure me that I will make it on time. The clock is ticking and I must leave the docs waiting room without seeing him to get on time to the theatre. Yes, I left the doctor and I am on my way to the other side of Prague to meet with artists. I am little bit late, my battery on my iPhone has only 9% so I call the principal that I am running late and he tells me that the meeting is in 2,5hrs so I have plenty of time to get there. Then, that is the moment of total collapse when I realize that I left the docs appointment at which I could have waited.  I realise that because of a mistake (I confused 17hrs for 19rhs) I missed the docs appointment and I wasted another time going somewhere long before I should have. Yes, I felt totally useless.
It was my day full of bad decisions and bad consequences that led me to take wrong turns. I feel good  and focused now...aftere living this experience which cost me lots of time. One day is plenty of time to be wasted. Imagine if you only have one day to live? You don't want to waste it.

Rolling into Deep

Feels like a foreign city so hostile and without life when one does not have its heart beating in the rhytm of love. Any city would look like this but the emptiness falls on me like the darkness of a coming night. I see the beauty around me everyday which brings me a great deal of joy but it is some kind of superficial beauty. It is for an eye and to keep a heart beating but there is nothing deeper underneath.

Three years of struggle. Three years without being loved or adored. Three years of solitude. Loneliness spreads inside of me like a virus that takes over a body.
This sadness comes from within me and it will not go away. Not until I find HIM. I tried to tell myself that I can do it alone. But I was wrong.
I tried to substitute HIM with many different things. With alcohol and parties, art courses, voluntary activity, sport etc but it worked only temporary.
Now i see it clearly but somehow I do not panic. I am suddenly very calm and receptive to what will come because I feel that it is so close. I have a hope.

 Three Wise WO/Men in the Black & White World

Three wise men told me their thoughts and points of view on my life. All of them are well educated and all of them play an important role in my life. And all of three of them are black guys. One is from Kenya, other is from Haiti and the last one is from Zambia. They all have University Degrees and all of them also know how to treat women and people in general. Why I am saying this is that I do not surround myself, unlike many foolish girls, with pretty fit black guys to have fun with. Those guys are my real inspiration. They work in the biggest consulting companies in US, for a stock market or as a luxury realtor.

I really struggled past few months. I really felt like I should be somewhere else even though I am within myself deeper than I was ever before. I feel lost, a mess and a total waste to this world and I still really don't know how to change it.

In past few weeks I turned to those three wise men for a consult, an advice, help, support, lead...

And they really tried their best to share their wisdom with me. It was a white winter time while talking to my black guys. Here it was -35 degrees Celsius and after two years we had, at least for a couple of days, enough snow to enjoy the white beauty around.

I stopped that moment and realised that world is not black and white despite the irony given to me by the consequences of the nature.

I see the world as colourful as never before. 

I am doing tiny steps to move forward toward my dreams, my goal and my vision. There is still very long journey ahead of me but if I lose the fear i will make it. I have more than three wise man around me. I am blessed to have known many wonderful souls around the world with whom I share my worries and achievements. Spring is coming and there is nothing black and white about the spring.