I love you NOT

Love you, he said. 

Such a powerful expression. 

I believed him. I thought he meant it. 

One week later he said: "Im not interested in you anymore. I do not love you."

Now what did it mean then? I try to seek the real meaning of "I love you". When a person you barely know tells you that he loves you. Can you believe him? Can he really loves you when he doesn't even know you that well? How do you know you love someone? How can you be certain this is love?

Now Im asking myself why didn't I questioned his words when he said it. I just blatantly and willingly believed him? I even said it back because I thought it is what makes this loving moment complete.

I was so wrong and I know it.  I just don't know why I can't be honest with myself in the moment when Im uncertain of something or someone. Instead I bow and agree and accept things I don't necessarily believe within my guts. I knew he didn't really saw me as a future girl at the beginning  so I suggested we will be just friends. From this moment he started to act and look at me differently. Somehow he made me believe that he is actually falling in love with me. I felt for it and thought it could work because if he acts like he cares so much he could actually love me. I didn't listen to my heart which was not beating in the rhythm of love. I choose to ignore my own feelings and conform to his decision.

Now I pay for it. My heart is not broken but my head cannot go around it. Im hurt somehow. It might be my pride but it is also that I see how stupid I was just not to listen to myself.

Will I be more careful the next time? Sure, I really have to appreciate myself rather than settle with what is offered to me on the golden platter.

Joy

Yesterday I felt completely happy. The reason to it is very very simple.  Me an my mum were looking after my 4 year old niece and half year old nephew. I went to the cinema with my niece to see a fairytale and then we joined my mum with the little one. 

We sat in the pizza place where we had a dinner and spent more time together. 

As I grow older I realise those moments are more and more special for me. I was literally feeling ecstatic and full of joy. Being with them, holding them and seeing them grow into beautiful and smart people makes me feeling proud. I am filled with so much love when Im with them that I almost cannot breathe under the mountain of emotions. This feeling is so precious. I wish I could capture it inside of me every single minute of my life and forever. 

When I have a bad day and feel unhappy and sad, I think of those moments. Moments with my family. My mum, my sisters with partners and the children. All of us together or some of us together just talking. Those are the best moments worth living for. This means being rich for me. This means having it all. This is privilege. This is it...

Modern Dating

I have been single for a while and love every minute of it. During that time I met random guys but nobody really got my heart. 

Recently, I started to feel that having someone close would be nice so I put myself online. Yes, I signed up to various online dating sites and started to share something little about myself with the total strangers.

I even went on a few dates and yes, most of them were disasters. Guys were not what they pretended to be or there was no mutual feeling.

Then I also had some good dates but even though I thought it went well, guys stopped communicating with me few days after the first date. No, I didn't sleep with them on the first date. We briefly exchanged few information about each other but that was all. I didn't know what was going on. Why am I not good enough? Why they will not at least tell me the reason why? 

I was feeling more down and frustrated with every new guy who disappeared from my life again. Despite that I continued and still, guys were practically saying NO to me.

Few weeks back I met a guy on Tinder. We talked, we went on a date and it went really well. I have had an amazing evening with him full of laughter and great conversation. We talked the following day and he told me he is going out with his friends that night. It was cool. Why it wouldn't be. I wanted to stay at home, rest and relax.The next day he wrote me that he is sorry, but he has met someone else and it got serious pretty fast. He also said that he has chosen her and that he apologises for misleading me and that I am a great women and will meet someone else. Just like that. That was the moment when I felt the physical pain in my heart. It surely wasn't for the first time but it was the first time I allowed myself to feel it. I was crying, holding my heart and letting all that pain I had inside, out. I was confused and didn't know why now? Why this hurts when this guy meant nothing to me? And so I was asking myself why does it hurt so much? 

I realised that I was holding all the pain inside for a long time. I never let myself to grieve after the last break up which was more than 3 years ago. I was acting like Im made of stone and always OK. 

Now I feel like a peeled onion. All the layers are gone and there is me again. With no mask on my face and no grudge in my heart. I feel pain free and happy again.

Well, to finish the story, that guy who started the waterfall of my tears has written to me only 3 days later to tell me that: My "someone else" isn't going well. We moved way too fast and now pulling away. I feel stupid that I didn't give you a chance. Let me know what you are up to, we can catch that movie or something else.

Do you think I wrote him? I decided to ignore him for now. Iam just laughing a lot. I realised that person isn't person for life. It is not certainly a person with whom I wish to spend my precious time.

I know that the modern dating is about fast selection and having so many options like everything else in our lives now. We have too many options and we think that playing with others people feelings and emotion  is like playing a game on your mobile. That nothing happen if we click on buttons -  delete, erase, find new, like, dislike etc...

Actually yes, something great can happen. Bad or good but it is real and it is beautiful to experience it.

Rolling into Deep

Feels like a foreign city so hostile and without life when one does not have its heart beating in the rhytm of love. Any city would look like this but the emptiness falls on me like the darkness of a coming night. I see the beauty around me everyday which brings me a great deal of joy but it is some kind of superficial beauty. It is for an eye and to keep a heart beating but there is nothing deeper underneath.

Three years of struggle. Three years without being loved or adored. Three years of solitude. Loneliness spreads inside of me like a virus that takes over a body.
This sadness comes from within me and it will not go away. Not until I find HIM. I tried to tell myself that I can do it alone. But I was wrong.
I tried to substitute HIM with many different things. With alcohol and parties, art courses, voluntary activity, sport etc but it worked only temporary.
Now i see it clearly but somehow I do not panic. I am suddenly very calm and receptive to what will come because I feel that it is so close. I have a hope.

Love what you Do. Do what you Love. 

Sounds like a cliche? Sounds impossible? Sounds right?

Which option is You? What do you strive in life? What do you do in order to do what you love?

I have been asking myself those questions for many many years because I was unhappy, thinking I do not belong anywhere. I was always what people call  "a black sheep". 

When I was still a kid things were fine. I even remember going to a primary school and quite enjoying myself because I have had great friends. It all started at the high school when me with other girls were  bullied by a boy group. Then all my allergies started, I was permanently ill and my life purpose was to get drunk so I end up unconscious every time I could. At the uni, I had some friends but we were never real friends. We were just a survival company during those 3 long years. At home I also had a situation because my mom`s husband wouldn't talk to me without a reason for long 3 years. I was feeling I do not belong anywhere.

My salvation was my departure to the UK. There I quickly became aware of who I really am and what capacity I really have. I started to work on my English. I built real friendships and got rid of all my illnesses. This process of knowing myself is lasting till now ( 16 years later) but at least now I recognise what is right for me and which people I want in my life. I also started to like myself. For me living abroad was a priceless experience which formed my way of thinking "out of the box".

I finally found out what my real passions are and now I am making them part of my work.

I wish everyone a very fruitful life journey with as many experience as possible before you truly know yourself and truly know what you want in life. 

Blessed Day

Yesterday, without realising was the most perfect day in a long time. Totally spontaneously I got to spend time with all members of my family and I consider it to be the biggest blessing of that day. My family, however we disagree on many topics, is my everything and I really love them.

I started my day with 10km run in the nature while watching the sunrise. Running helps me to get rid of the excess of energy and after that I can concentrate and focus better and get more things done. 

Then, me, my sister Helen, her partner Michal and their daughter Emm went to see my father who is a farmer and during those hot summer days is harvesting grains on the fields. I`ve got to sit inside the harvester next to my dad and watch how millions of grain entered inside this massive machine so that few moments later they were spilt out and on the lorry transported to the nearest grainery. There was also my half brother Petr who helps my father to run the farm. 

At the lunch time, me, my mom and my youngest sister Jeff had meal together at the local pub and  after that we went swimming in the nearby natural lake with our  dogs, chihuahua Orion and prague`s rattle Charlie.

Just imagine this peaceful lake surrounded by forrest and nobody else is there. It is such a privilege to live in this picturesque valley with no sign of industrial damage. On many occasion and specially when I run I see all sorts of wild animals in the fields close to me. It makes my heart jump with a joy and appreciation.

In the evening after helping my mom to water the whole garden, me and my sis Jeff took our bikes and cycled 5km up to Monínec resort moninec.cz where we had glass of wine and were enjoying the best view on the whole valley.

I only realised it this morning that however ordinary my day was it was a real blessing because nothing can compare to this feeling that you have a family and you are part of each of them. I feel so lonely sometimes but if I change my point of view and look at things from a different perspective I will never be alone when I don't want to be.