I love you NOT

Love you, he said. 

Such a powerful expression. 

I believed him. I thought he meant it. 

One week later he said: "Im not interested in you anymore. I do not love you."

Now what did it mean then? I try to seek the real meaning of "I love you". When a person you barely know tells you that he loves you. Can you believe him? Can he really loves you when he doesn't even know you that well? How do you know you love someone? How can you be certain this is love?

Now Im asking myself why didn't I questioned his words when he said it. I just blatantly and willingly believed him? I even said it back because I thought it is what makes this loving moment complete.

I was so wrong and I know it.  I just don't know why I can't be honest with myself in the moment when Im uncertain of something or someone. Instead I bow and agree and accept things I don't necessarily believe within my guts. I knew he didn't really saw me as a future girl at the beginning  so I suggested we will be just friends. From this moment he started to act and look at me differently. Somehow he made me believe that he is actually falling in love with me. I felt for it and thought it could work because if he acts like he cares so much he could actually love me. I didn't listen to my heart which was not beating in the rhythm of love. I choose to ignore my own feelings and conform to his decision.

Now I pay for it. My heart is not broken but my head cannot go around it. Im hurt somehow. It might be my pride but it is also that I see how stupid I was just not to listen to myself.

Will I be more careful the next time? Sure, I really have to appreciate myself rather than settle with what is offered to me on the golden platter.

Joy

Yesterday I felt completely happy. The reason to it is very very simple.  Me an my mum were looking after my 4 year old niece and half year old nephew. I went to the cinema with my niece to see a fairytale and then we joined my mum with the little one. 

We sat in the pizza place where we had a dinner and spent more time together. 

As I grow older I realise those moments are more and more special for me. I was literally feeling ecstatic and full of joy. Being with them, holding them and seeing them grow into beautiful and smart people makes me feeling proud. I am filled with so much love when Im with them that I almost cannot breathe under the mountain of emotions. This feeling is so precious. I wish I could capture it inside of me every single minute of my life and forever. 

When I have a bad day and feel unhappy and sad, I think of those moments. Moments with my family. My mum, my sisters with partners and the children. All of us together or some of us together just talking. Those are the best moments worth living for. This means being rich for me. This means having it all. This is privilege. This is it...