I love you NOT

Love you, he said. 

Such a powerful expression. 

I believed him. I thought he meant it. 

One week later he said: "Im not interested in you anymore. I do not love you."

Now what did it mean then? I try to seek the real meaning of "I love you". When a person you barely know tells you that he loves you. Can you believe him? Can he really loves you when he doesn't even know you that well? How do you know you love someone? How can you be certain this is love?

Now Im asking myself why didn't I questioned his words when he said it. I just blatantly and willingly believed him? I even said it back because I thought it is what makes this loving moment complete.

I was so wrong and I know it.  I just don't know why I can't be honest with myself in the moment when Im uncertain of something or someone. Instead I bow and agree and accept things I don't necessarily believe within my guts. I knew he didn't really saw me as a future girl at the beginning  so I suggested we will be just friends. From this moment he started to act and look at me differently. Somehow he made me believe that he is actually falling in love with me. I felt for it and thought it could work because if he acts like he cares so much he could actually love me. I didn't listen to my heart which was not beating in the rhythm of love. I choose to ignore my own feelings and conform to his decision.

Now I pay for it. My heart is not broken but my head cannot go around it. Im hurt somehow. It might be my pride but it is also that I see how stupid I was just not to listen to myself.

Will I be more careful the next time? Sure, I really have to appreciate myself rather than settle with what is offered to me on the golden platter.

It is simple

The older I get the simpler things I admire. I remember that when I was 20 I hardly noticed there is any nature around me nor did I notice its beauty.
While getting older I find the nature breath taking every single day. I get totally overwhelmed when I see a tree blossoming or grass growing. I gasp when I see a leaf opening, animal galloping over the field, moon rising, sun setting or wind blowing I simply like the most natural things. Yes those things are free and still can be seen when you look around. How is that many people do not see it? Many people don't even notice is or look for it. I totally get it. They are blinded by shiny and luxurious items in the shop and on the internet. I was like that when I was young. My world had only myself thinking about what other might think about me.
So I wonder when I become so aware of the nature? I do not remember the exact moment but I recall that it was only then when I came back from working on the luxury yacht in the Mediterranean Sea. There I was surrounded with nothing but the luxury. When I came to my home village and went for a walk among the field, something inside me triggered the explosion. I remember inhaling so hardly because I wanted to keep the smell  of every single flower inside of me forever. I never wanted to forget it. I wanted to remember it and repeatedly play it in my head. I fell in love with the nature and since then I became a true devotee. I started to treat it differently. I recycle, I appreciate it, I take an energy from it, I feel alive when I am in it. It is so simple and the same time so genius....it is nature.

Joy

Yesterday I felt completely happy. The reason to it is very very simple.  Me an my mum were looking after my 4 year old niece and half year old nephew. I went to the cinema with my niece to see a fairytale and then we joined my mum with the little one. 

We sat in the pizza place where we had a dinner and spent more time together. 

As I grow older I realise those moments are more and more special for me. I was literally feeling ecstatic and full of joy. Being with them, holding them and seeing them grow into beautiful and smart people makes me feeling proud. I am filled with so much love when Im with them that I almost cannot breathe under the mountain of emotions. This feeling is so precious. I wish I could capture it inside of me every single minute of my life and forever. 

When I have a bad day and feel unhappy and sad, I think of those moments. Moments with my family. My mum, my sisters with partners and the children. All of us together or some of us together just talking. Those are the best moments worth living for. This means being rich for me. This means having it all. This is privilege. This is it...

Modern Dating

I have been single for a while and love every minute of it. During that time I met random guys but nobody really got my heart. 

Recently, I started to feel that having someone close would be nice so I put myself online. Yes, I signed up to various online dating sites and started to share something little about myself with the total strangers.

I even went on a few dates and yes, most of them were disasters. Guys were not what they pretended to be or there was no mutual feeling.

Then I also had some good dates but even though I thought it went well, guys stopped communicating with me few days after the first date. No, I didn't sleep with them on the first date. We briefly exchanged few information about each other but that was all. I didn't know what was going on. Why am I not good enough? Why they will not at least tell me the reason why? 

I was feeling more down and frustrated with every new guy who disappeared from my life again. Despite that I continued and still, guys were practically saying NO to me.

Few weeks back I met a guy on Tinder. We talked, we went on a date and it went really well. I have had an amazing evening with him full of laughter and great conversation. We talked the following day and he told me he is going out with his friends that night. It was cool. Why it wouldn't be. I wanted to stay at home, rest and relax.The next day he wrote me that he is sorry, but he has met someone else and it got serious pretty fast. He also said that he has chosen her and that he apologises for misleading me and that I am a great women and will meet someone else. Just like that. That was the moment when I felt the physical pain in my heart. It surely wasn't for the first time but it was the first time I allowed myself to feel it. I was crying, holding my heart and letting all that pain I had inside, out. I was confused and didn't know why now? Why this hurts when this guy meant nothing to me? And so I was asking myself why does it hurt so much? 

I realised that I was holding all the pain inside for a long time. I never let myself to grieve after the last break up which was more than 3 years ago. I was acting like Im made of stone and always OK. 

Now I feel like a peeled onion. All the layers are gone and there is me again. With no mask on my face and no grudge in my heart. I feel pain free and happy again.

Well, to finish the story, that guy who started the waterfall of my tears has written to me only 3 days later to tell me that: My "someone else" isn't going well. We moved way too fast and now pulling away. I feel stupid that I didn't give you a chance. Let me know what you are up to, we can catch that movie or something else.

Do you think I wrote him? I decided to ignore him for now. Iam just laughing a lot. I realised that person isn't person for life. It is not certainly a person with whom I wish to spend my precious time.

I know that the modern dating is about fast selection and having so many options like everything else in our lives now. We have too many options and we think that playing with others people feelings and emotion  is like playing a game on your mobile. That nothing happen if we click on buttons -  delete, erase, find new, like, dislike etc...

Actually yes, something great can happen. Bad or good but it is real and it is beautiful to experience it.

From crappy to happy

Aint day like my last Wednesday. Honestly if you are lucky enough to survive a bad day then your  life will taste good again. It is good to feel crap coz only then you can feel good and happy again.

Today is a normal day. The day have just started. It looks like any other mornings. Nothing special. Things go normally as usual. I do my pilates routine, my 5 tibetans, my stretching, my abs challenge and my arms challenge....it takes me approximately 1,5 hrs.

Then I go to the post office coz my long awaited UGG boots have arrived. When I get there I realise  that I forgot my ID so they can't give me my parcel. So I go back home to pick up my ID and go back to pick up the parcel. At home, when I open it, I find out that the the boots are way too small. So unless I  will make another effort to sell it further I have just lost 60 Eur. Then my day continues. I go to the docs appointment where you have to wait the queue in order to see the specialist.  There is no waiting list. My time is limited because I have to go to the theatre meeting so I wait impatiently for approximately 1,5 hrs and the nurse assure me that I will make it on time. The clock is ticking and I must leave the docs waiting room without seeing him to get on time to the theatre. Yes, I left the doctor and I am on my way to the other side of Prague to meet with artists. I am little bit late, my battery on my iPhone has only 9% so I call the principal that I am running late and he tells me that the meeting is in 2,5hrs so I have plenty of time to get there. Then, that is the moment of total collapse when I realize that I left the docs appointment at which I could have waited.  I realise that because of a mistake (I confused 17hrs for 19rhs) I missed the docs appointment and I wasted another time going somewhere long before I should have. Yes, I felt totally useless.
It was my day full of bad decisions and bad consequences that led me to take wrong turns. I feel good  and focused now...aftere living this experience which cost me lots of time. One day is plenty of time to be wasted. Imagine if you only have one day to live? You don't want to waste it.

Rolling into Deep

Feels like a foreign city so hostile and without life when one does not have its heart beating in the rhytm of love. Any city would look like this but the emptiness falls on me like the darkness of a coming night. I see the beauty around me everyday which brings me a great deal of joy but it is some kind of superficial beauty. It is for an eye and to keep a heart beating but there is nothing deeper underneath.

Three years of struggle. Three years without being loved or adored. Three years of solitude. Loneliness spreads inside of me like a virus that takes over a body.
This sadness comes from within me and it will not go away. Not until I find HIM. I tried to tell myself that I can do it alone. But I was wrong.
I tried to substitute HIM with many different things. With alcohol and parties, art courses, voluntary activity, sport etc but it worked only temporary.
Now i see it clearly but somehow I do not panic. I am suddenly very calm and receptive to what will come because I feel that it is so close. I have a hope.

 Three Wise WO/Men in the Black & White World

Three wise men told me their thoughts and points of view on my life. All of them are well educated and all of them play an important role in my life. And all of three of them are black guys. One is from Kenya, other is from Haiti and the last one is from Zambia. They all have University Degrees and all of them also know how to treat women and people in general. Why I am saying this is that I do not surround myself, unlike many foolish girls, with pretty fit black guys to have fun with. Those guys are my real inspiration. They work in the biggest consulting companies in US, for a stock market or as a luxury realtor.

I really struggled past few months. I really felt like I should be somewhere else even though I am within myself deeper than I was ever before. I feel lost, a mess and a total waste to this world and I still really don't know how to change it.

In past few weeks I turned to those three wise men for a consult, an advice, help, support, lead...

And they really tried their best to share their wisdom with me. It was a white winter time while talking to my black guys. Here it was -35 degrees Celsius and after two years we had, at least for a couple of days, enough snow to enjoy the white beauty around.

I stopped that moment and realised that world is not black and white despite the irony given to me by the consequences of the nature.

I see the world as colourful as never before. 

I am doing tiny steps to move forward toward my dreams, my goal and my vision. There is still very long journey ahead of me but if I lose the fear i will make it. I have more than three wise man around me. I am blessed to have known many wonderful souls around the world with whom I share my worries and achievements. Spring is coming and there is nothing black and white about the spring.

The most powerful Christmas`s New Moon

I really miss writing my blog but I couldn't get myself into writing for exactly 2 months.

Time flew by like a comet on the night sky and my life turned around in all possible meanings. I went through a life changing experience. A messenger came to my life and spun everything.

In this complicated hard time I have realised how much I didn't know myself and what I am capable of. I was suddenly full of energy and felt like I can do anything in the world. Nothing was going to stop me. Well, unfortunately it all stopped so fast as it has started. I had to rest. I was sleeping 10 hours per day. I was exhausted, disappointed and was lacking of love, courage and strength.

I grieved and I cried. I realised how much I lied to myself about what I really want. Then I calmed down, started to breathe and live again.

Today is one of the most powerful New Moon in the whole year and so I did the magic ritual about things I wish to erase from my life as well as things I wish to welcome to my life. I believe this energy will turn into beautiful meanings and acts.

I keep searching within my soul and heart what I really wish for. I know I grew so much in past few months because a messenger shown me a path and hope.

I truly believe that I can overcome my fears and start doing things I love the most because they require a courage and honesty within me.

I feel complete gratitude towards this messenger who spent so little time with me but pass so much on me. I am ready now.

Love what you Do. Do what you Love. 

Sounds like a cliche? Sounds impossible? Sounds right?

Which option is You? What do you strive in life? What do you do in order to do what you love?

I have been asking myself those questions for many many years because I was unhappy, thinking I do not belong anywhere. I was always what people call  "a black sheep". 

When I was still a kid things were fine. I even remember going to a primary school and quite enjoying myself because I have had great friends. It all started at the high school when me with other girls were  bullied by a boy group. Then all my allergies started, I was permanently ill and my life purpose was to get drunk so I end up unconscious every time I could. At the uni, I had some friends but we were never real friends. We were just a survival company during those 3 long years. At home I also had a situation because my mom`s husband wouldn't talk to me without a reason for long 3 years. I was feeling I do not belong anywhere.

My salvation was my departure to the UK. There I quickly became aware of who I really am and what capacity I really have. I started to work on my English. I built real friendships and got rid of all my illnesses. This process of knowing myself is lasting till now ( 16 years later) but at least now I recognise what is right for me and which people I want in my life. I also started to like myself. For me living abroad was a priceless experience which formed my way of thinking "out of the box".

I finally found out what my real passions are and now I am making them part of my work.

I wish everyone a very fruitful life journey with as many experience as possible before you truly know yourself and truly know what you want in life. 

Society & Me

Once again I have been told this week that I truly am a weirdo. It wasn't for the first time nor the last time I guess. I get this a lot. I live in the common european society however I certainly appear not to be the part of it. At my age of 36, I am single, without kids but also without debts. I also don't owe anything except few boxes of clothes and stuff. Well I do not count my dog Charlie which I got 10 months ago and she is my first actual commitment. I also live with my best friend - a single mother with enormous debts and 3 small boys.

And I love it. I never felt alone or sad. I always have a best friend to talk to. I have always someone to open a bottle of wine with and share all my ups and downs.

I feel rich because I am surrounded by family unless like some single bachelors who dare to judge me because to them living alone in the small apartment and have a car means "having a life".

I certainly do not share this point of view because for me life means for example pack my bags and tomorrow be on the other side of the world. I like it this way. I like this absolute freedom. I do not want to belong to the matrix as majority of people around me. 

I am glad I never felt into hands of greedy banks, insurance companies etc. Instead of that I have

FREEDOM

Symphony of a Friendship 

Today I celebrate the 1st anniversary of living with my best friend.
It has been one of the most challenging year of my life in many ways. I realised that if you are lucky enough and will find a perfect partner for you then you evolve faster than if you are stuck with some "kinda OK" partner or a friend. That is why the best friends and great partners are worthy to cherish and to fight for, regardless of today`s affair. They have been there yesterday and will be there tomorrow to help you calm down your demons. They make you a better person and they really see you. Im so lucky to have experience this in every country I lived in. Some grounds like Spain are more friendly thus finding a great friend doesn't require special effort. On the other hand, finding a soulmate here in the Czech republic where environment is almost hostile was truly difficult task and it took lots of time. But now I am calm and growing everyday thanks to my angel Monika. This is my big thank to her for finding me and not letting me go.

I love you.

Flow

Mother Nature just flows because she is the smartest being on the planet.
If you are forcing something against its own will it will not be natural, therefore it will not flow. It will get stuck. You will get stuck.

Your actions determine your fate. Are you prepared to evolve and let go?

Have you ever noticed that if you let things to happen they will figure out how to flow in your best interest.We have to learn so much from the Mother Nature and what do we do instead? We destroy her. We act like we own her. Like we are smarter and and we can empower her. Really? I beg those who still think this way to think about the harm they are causing. Please stop cruelty on the animals and stop destroying our beautiful Mother. She is the one who gave you life. 

A book which really change my way of perception is Message for the Tribe of Many Colours

And a lovely video below that moves me every time I watch it.

Irony of Isolation

My nature is to talk to anyone about anything. When I meet total strangers I can just compliment them or ask them what is on my mind at that moment. Yes, this is me and this is my way to stay connected with the outer world. 

I do not read newspapers neither do I watch TV. I basically have no interest to get information via media. I rather find for myself. I rather feel that person`s vibe and energy instead of passively receiving made up stories. 

Media has overpowered many people who sightlessly believe in it. People stopped thinking for themselves and echo back what they hear from TV and radio. Ironically they get disconnected with people around them because they stopped talking to them. As this gap is growing, isolation growing too.

I wish for everyone to start talking to people on the street, in the supermarket, in the queue, on the train.

It will change your lives. You will get richer and will surround yourself with the real people.

Happy Friday everyone.

Mindfulness

My friend invited me to the Vipassana meditation. It was my first meditation ever and I didn't know what to expect. We were explain the basics of this meditation, its elements and benefits. The practise was composed of three parts. The bending part, the walking part and the sitting part. I am  a person who is unable to stay still for longer than 1 minutes unless my mind and thoughts wonders somewhere else. Im constant planner, looking to the future or to the past. I thought I could definitely benefit from the meditation because its goal is to keep you in the present moment.

I really enjoyed the bending and the walking part but quite couldn't get through the sitting part where sitting still for 10-15mins was the crucial task. During the day when the intervals of each part got longer I got frustrated because I was feeling exhausted, asleep and with a headache. I was happy that at 4pm it was all over and I went home to rest. I thought that meditation is not simply for me. I have to say it was damm hard. I never felt this kind of exhaustion even after the hard training in the gym.

I slept on it and I woke up different. Calm, still, patient, happy and with the clear head without any thought or worries. I am enjoying my Sunday when I can do things but I do them as they come and I don't force myself to run, plan, think or get crazy.
I will definitely be practising more of Vipassana and even might go for a retreat in Thailand or somewhere in Europe. I know this will help me on my way to achieve my goals because  I know that if you can't live in the present moment it is like you don't live at all.

This bracelet is a gift from the monk Ajahn Tong Sirimangalo to all who went through at least one day of Vipassana.  Vipassana centre

Blessed Day

Yesterday, without realising was the most perfect day in a long time. Totally spontaneously I got to spend time with all members of my family and I consider it to be the biggest blessing of that day. My family, however we disagree on many topics, is my everything and I really love them.

I started my day with 10km run in the nature while watching the sunrise. Running helps me to get rid of the excess of energy and after that I can concentrate and focus better and get more things done. 

Then, me, my sister Helen, her partner Michal and their daughter Emm went to see my father who is a farmer and during those hot summer days is harvesting grains on the fields. I`ve got to sit inside the harvester next to my dad and watch how millions of grain entered inside this massive machine so that few moments later they were spilt out and on the lorry transported to the nearest grainery. There was also my half brother Petr who helps my father to run the farm. 

At the lunch time, me, my mom and my youngest sister Jeff had meal together at the local pub and  after that we went swimming in the nearby natural lake with our  dogs, chihuahua Orion and prague`s rattle Charlie.

Just imagine this peaceful lake surrounded by forrest and nobody else is there. It is such a privilege to live in this picturesque valley with no sign of industrial damage. On many occasion and specially when I run I see all sorts of wild animals in the fields close to me. It makes my heart jump with a joy and appreciation.

In the evening after helping my mom to water the whole garden, me and my sis Jeff took our bikes and cycled 5km up to Monínec resort moninec.cz where we had glass of wine and were enjoying the best view on the whole valley.

I only realised it this morning that however ordinary my day was it was a real blessing because nothing can compare to this feeling that you have a family and you are part of each of them. I feel so lonely sometimes but if I change my point of view and look at things from a different perspective I will never be alone when I don't want to be.

Full Blue Moon 

“Once in a blue moon someone comes along that you’ll never forget.” ~ Unknown

July 31st is a very special day for me. Exactly 14 years ago I had a serious car crash which I survived. Since that year I celebrate this day as my second birthday. On that road full of debris of a damaged car I was born for a second time in this life and and have been grateful ever since. 

Today is even twice as magical because of a Full Blue Moon in the sign of Aquarius comes to our lives. This moon we are being asked to stop and look around to notice what we have been easily overlooking in past few months. I have already had a big lesson 14 years ago for certain purposes but now I am not ignoring my instincts.

"One of the most special aspects of this moon is that we won't have another blue moon month until 2018. For many of us, we will be receiving our last bits of a long awaited wake-up call that actually began back in 2012, far before most of us were aware of the changes that were developing" Source: Unprecedented Blue Moon in Aquarius

Today I have woken up with the urge to go running. I was saying for weeks and months that I am not a morning bird and can't do it. And today I did it. It felt natural and great. It felt so right that I know it is something I will not be doing only in a blue moon but every time i go running.
Later on, I opened a birthday wish from a very special person to me. My true friend Adel. It was so beautiful that I had to cry. It opened my heart wide open and I know it is no coincidence that I opened this card on this day.
This is what was written inside :

André,

I wish you that your aim in life is going towards the right direction and that your life lessons are as easiest as possible so that you find out what you really wish for because in this finding is the biggest power. Knowing what you want and follow it without going astray from your goals is the right way for every one of us.

I believe that because we have found common course on our mutual path many times, our paths will be crossing, meeting and flow for many coming years. I really wish for it because I have never experienced so many life changes and personal evolution with anyone else but with you.

I wish you for this birthday only what you really wish for deeply from your heart!!!

All the best

I love you

Yours Adel!

Because certain chances only come around once in a blue moon I am not letting them pass by. I was making excuses for so many things for so many months but now I am ready for a change and grateful for the chance given.

My Wish Box 

I have got this beautiful handcrafted wooden box from my future brother-in-law for my 36th birthday. 

I absolutely love and adore this idea of a present. It came with a thought about me and it will reflect thoughts of everyone. It also came with a purpose that everyone around me who dares, can express their wishes and thoughts about me and I will open it on my 40th birthday. 

For years I have been writing diaries where I put my dreams, hopes, wishes and also worries, troubles and painful experience. Reading it all now feels damm good. I can see how much I evolved, grew and changed. I see how many things I had achieved those past years and how many mountains I had climbed. It is WHO I AM TODAY.

And now my closest friends and family can write how they see me in 4 years. It makes this present twice as gorgeous and special. 

I am already curious where I will be in 4 years and what my loved ones had to say about me.

With Love A.

24-7

 Isn't just a random date in the calendar

It means to be available 7 days in the week and 24 hours every day. Yes I am a social media fanatic and for years I have had the nick name  @vysilacka. Im on Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, Skype, Line, Viber, WhatsApp and some others will come in my way with time.

Yesterday I celebrated my 36th birthday and realised that I want to share my photos, videos and comments so I started this blog.

So here is how much I grew in past 36 years.