I love you NOT

Love you, he said. 

Such a powerful expression. 

I believed him. I thought he meant it. 

One week later he said: "Im not interested in you anymore. I do not love you."

Now what did it mean then? I try to seek the real meaning of "I love you". When a person you barely know tells you that he loves you. Can you believe him? Can he really loves you when he doesn't even know you that well? How do you know you love someone? How can you be certain this is love?

Now Im asking myself why didn't I questioned his words when he said it. I just blatantly and willingly believed him? I even said it back because I thought it is what makes this loving moment complete.

I was so wrong and I know it.  I just don't know why I can't be honest with myself in the moment when Im uncertain of something or someone. Instead I bow and agree and accept things I don't necessarily believe within my guts. I knew he didn't really saw me as a future girl at the beginning  so I suggested we will be just friends. From this moment he started to act and look at me differently. Somehow he made me believe that he is actually falling in love with me. I felt for it and thought it could work because if he acts like he cares so much he could actually love me. I didn't listen to my heart which was not beating in the rhythm of love. I choose to ignore my own feelings and conform to his decision.

Now I pay for it. My heart is not broken but my head cannot go around it. Im hurt somehow. It might be my pride but it is also that I see how stupid I was just not to listen to myself.

Will I be more careful the next time? Sure, I really have to appreciate myself rather than settle with what is offered to me on the golden platter.

It is simple

The older I get the simpler things I admire. I remember that when I was 20 I hardly noticed there is any nature around me nor did I notice its beauty.
While getting older I find the nature breath taking every single day. I get totally overwhelmed when I see a tree blossoming or grass growing. I gasp when I see a leaf opening, animal galloping over the field, moon rising, sun setting or wind blowing I simply like the most natural things. Yes those things are free and still can be seen when you look around. How is that many people do not see it? Many people don't even notice is or look for it. I totally get it. They are blinded by shiny and luxurious items in the shop and on the internet. I was like that when I was young. My world had only myself thinking about what other might think about me.
So I wonder when I become so aware of the nature? I do not remember the exact moment but I recall that it was only then when I came back from working on the luxury yacht in the Mediterranean Sea. There I was surrounded with nothing but the luxury. When I came to my home village and went for a walk among the field, something inside me triggered the explosion. I remember inhaling so hardly because I wanted to keep the smell  of every single flower inside of me forever. I never wanted to forget it. I wanted to remember it and repeatedly play it in my head. I fell in love with the nature and since then I became a true devotee. I started to treat it differently. I recycle, I appreciate it, I take an energy from it, I feel alive when I am in it. It is so simple and the same time so genius....it is nature.

Joy

Yesterday I felt completely happy. The reason to it is very very simple.  Me an my mum were looking after my 4 year old niece and half year old nephew. I went to the cinema with my niece to see a fairytale and then we joined my mum with the little one. 

We sat in the pizza place where we had a dinner and spent more time together. 

As I grow older I realise those moments are more and more special for me. I was literally feeling ecstatic and full of joy. Being with them, holding them and seeing them grow into beautiful and smart people makes me feeling proud. I am filled with so much love when Im with them that I almost cannot breathe under the mountain of emotions. This feeling is so precious. I wish I could capture it inside of me every single minute of my life and forever. 

When I have a bad day and feel unhappy and sad, I think of those moments. Moments with my family. My mum, my sisters with partners and the children. All of us together or some of us together just talking. Those are the best moments worth living for. This means being rich for me. This means having it all. This is privilege. This is it...

Modern Dating

I have been single for a while and love every minute of it. During that time I met random guys but nobody really got my heart. 

Recently, I started to feel that having someone close would be nice so I put myself online. Yes, I signed up to various online dating sites and started to share something little about myself with the total strangers.

I even went on a few dates and yes, most of them were disasters. Guys were not what they pretended to be or there was no mutual feeling.

Then I also had some good dates but even though I thought it went well, guys stopped communicating with me few days after the first date. No, I didn't sleep with them on the first date. We briefly exchanged few information about each other but that was all. I didn't know what was going on. Why am I not good enough? Why they will not at least tell me the reason why? 

I was feeling more down and frustrated with every new guy who disappeared from my life again. Despite that I continued and still, guys were practically saying NO to me.

Few weeks back I met a guy on Tinder. We talked, we went on a date and it went really well. I have had an amazing evening with him full of laughter and great conversation. We talked the following day and he told me he is going out with his friends that night. It was cool. Why it wouldn't be. I wanted to stay at home, rest and relax.The next day he wrote me that he is sorry, but he has met someone else and it got serious pretty fast. He also said that he has chosen her and that he apologises for misleading me and that I am a great women and will meet someone else. Just like that. That was the moment when I felt the physical pain in my heart. It surely wasn't for the first time but it was the first time I allowed myself to feel it. I was crying, holding my heart and letting all that pain I had inside, out. I was confused and didn't know why now? Why this hurts when this guy meant nothing to me? And so I was asking myself why does it hurt so much? 

I realised that I was holding all the pain inside for a long time. I never let myself to grieve after the last break up which was more than 3 years ago. I was acting like Im made of stone and always OK. 

Now I feel like a peeled onion. All the layers are gone and there is me again. With no mask on my face and no grudge in my heart. I feel pain free and happy again.

Well, to finish the story, that guy who started the waterfall of my tears has written to me only 3 days later to tell me that: My "someone else" isn't going well. We moved way too fast and now pulling away. I feel stupid that I didn't give you a chance. Let me know what you are up to, we can catch that movie or something else.

Do you think I wrote him? I decided to ignore him for now. Iam just laughing a lot. I realised that person isn't person for life. It is not certainly a person with whom I wish to spend my precious time.

I know that the modern dating is about fast selection and having so many options like everything else in our lives now. We have too many options and we think that playing with others people feelings and emotion  is like playing a game on your mobile. That nothing happen if we click on buttons -  delete, erase, find new, like, dislike etc...

Actually yes, something great can happen. Bad or good but it is real and it is beautiful to experience it.

From crappy to happy

Aint day like my last Wednesday. Honestly if you are lucky enough to survive a bad day then your  life will taste good again. It is good to feel crap coz only then you can feel good and happy again.

Today is a normal day. The day have just started. It looks like any other mornings. Nothing special. Things go normally as usual. I do my pilates routine, my 5 tibetans, my stretching, my abs challenge and my arms challenge....it takes me approximately 1,5 hrs.

Then I go to the post office coz my long awaited UGG boots have arrived. When I get there I realise  that I forgot my ID so they can't give me my parcel. So I go back home to pick up my ID and go back to pick up the parcel. At home, when I open it, I find out that the the boots are way too small. So unless I  will make another effort to sell it further I have just lost 60 Eur. Then my day continues. I go to the docs appointment where you have to wait the queue in order to see the specialist.  There is no waiting list. My time is limited because I have to go to the theatre meeting so I wait impatiently for approximately 1,5 hrs and the nurse assure me that I will make it on time. The clock is ticking and I must leave the docs waiting room without seeing him to get on time to the theatre. Yes, I left the doctor and I am on my way to the other side of Prague to meet with artists. I am little bit late, my battery on my iPhone has only 9% so I call the principal that I am running late and he tells me that the meeting is in 2,5hrs so I have plenty of time to get there. Then, that is the moment of total collapse when I realize that I left the docs appointment at which I could have waited.  I realise that because of a mistake (I confused 17hrs for 19rhs) I missed the docs appointment and I wasted another time going somewhere long before I should have. Yes, I felt totally useless.
It was my day full of bad decisions and bad consequences that led me to take wrong turns. I feel good  and focused now...aftere living this experience which cost me lots of time. One day is plenty of time to be wasted. Imagine if you only have one day to live? You don't want to waste it.

Rolling into Deep

Feels like a foreign city so hostile and without life when one does not have its heart beating in the rhytm of love. Any city would look like this but the emptiness falls on me like the darkness of a coming night. I see the beauty around me everyday which brings me a great deal of joy but it is some kind of superficial beauty. It is for an eye and to keep a heart beating but there is nothing deeper underneath.

Three years of struggle. Three years without being loved or adored. Three years of solitude. Loneliness spreads inside of me like a virus that takes over a body.
This sadness comes from within me and it will not go away. Not until I find HIM. I tried to tell myself that I can do it alone. But I was wrong.
I tried to substitute HIM with many different things. With alcohol and parties, art courses, voluntary activity, sport etc but it worked only temporary.
Now i see it clearly but somehow I do not panic. I am suddenly very calm and receptive to what will come because I feel that it is so close. I have a hope.

 Three Wise WO/Men in the Black & White World

Three wise men told me their thoughts and points of view on my life. All of them are well educated and all of them play an important role in my life. And all of three of them are black guys. One is from Kenya, other is from Haiti and the last one is from Zambia. They all have University Degrees and all of them also know how to treat women and people in general. Why I am saying this is that I do not surround myself, unlike many foolish girls, with pretty fit black guys to have fun with. Those guys are my real inspiration. They work in the biggest consulting companies in US, for a stock market or as a luxury realtor.

I really struggled past few months. I really felt like I should be somewhere else even though I am within myself deeper than I was ever before. I feel lost, a mess and a total waste to this world and I still really don't know how to change it.

In past few weeks I turned to those three wise men for a consult, an advice, help, support, lead...

And they really tried their best to share their wisdom with me. It was a white winter time while talking to my black guys. Here it was -35 degrees Celsius and after two years we had, at least for a couple of days, enough snow to enjoy the white beauty around.

I stopped that moment and realised that world is not black and white despite the irony given to me by the consequences of the nature.

I see the world as colourful as never before. 

I am doing tiny steps to move forward toward my dreams, my goal and my vision. There is still very long journey ahead of me but if I lose the fear i will make it. I have more than three wise man around me. I am blessed to have known many wonderful souls around the world with whom I share my worries and achievements. Spring is coming and there is nothing black and white about the spring.